So far my summer has been about following the path of older men who have gone before me. Its been about learning from their stories, and discovering who I want to become. These men are offering me a road to follow, and its my job to do the same with younger men.
Sunday night a man named Mark O'Neil and his 15 year old son James came over to cook dinner for us. It was our chance to give James what older men have been offering us and to speak words into his life. We sat around the fire pit on the back deck of the cabin and shared with James our stories and what led us to Training Ground. For the first time we offered advice and gave to a younger man what we had received from older men.
We all noticed it and we were all proud of ourselves...to watch each other give James words of affirmation and advice was a sure turning point in this journey. This offering of what we have received is the essence of Training Ground. We are being prepared to be sent into the world with a message to offer others. We are being raised by a "village" of men who see the importance of fathering, and now it is our turn to do the same for those who are younger.
We have grown so much in the last 2 months...it is beautiful to see the process unfold and to know that who we were in May and who we are now are two entirely different people...we have much to offer, because we have been shown the way, we know our own hearts, and we want to bring others into who we are becoming.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sunday, July 8, 2007
The Great Mystery
So this week we have been seeking out the heart of a woman...
Saturday night we were hanging out at the cabin and Cory and Xan got us together and let us in on what they had planned for the evening. I was convinced that what ever it was that was about to come out of their mouths, first of all, I could handle without a problem, and second of all, it would be something that I was use to or comfortable with.
But what they had planned was something completely different and like nothing that we've faced in the past months with wilderness or work...they had arranged for 4 women around our age to come over and we had to take them out on one on one "dates". We had 1 hour to clean the cabin, cars, and ourselves before they came to the house! We were freaking out!
I truly felt like I had landed on the set of a reality TV show like the "Real World" and "The Bachelor" To tell you the truth I really wish we did have cameras in the house when they told us that we had to take a out that we had never seen, I'm sure our faces were priceless, and to capture the conversations between all the guys in he cabin while we were getting ready would have been great...we were sweating, giving each other pep talks, asking a million questions, and the greatest part about before the s arrived was that Dan and Adam didn't even know that they were going to be one on one with their date, they thought it was going to be a big group date. After they found that bit of info out the panic grew to a new level!
The women came over and it really sank in that this was actually happening...i mean you've got to put yourself in our world that we have been living in for the last 2 months, we've barely even seen a this entire time, much less taken one out for dinner and engage, its been guy time all the time, I was rusty for sure.
The night was very enjoyable and it was a new challenge for me, and it seemed to take my risk seeking heart to a new place. These women were amazing and sharp, they knew themselves and what they needed in a man. It was so refreshing to be in a place not of romantic interest but in a place of true engagement of a woman and her heart.
We are all learning what it takes to become a man, and its not just about getting in the stream or backpacking through the wilderness, but I believe that where you find evidence of a real man is in his ability to pursue a woman and her heart. Seeking out who she is, and giving her what she needs. This is a mystery for me and I was stretched and challenged in an area that this summer I have not been faced with...until now.
In my one on one time with Cory yesterday afternoon I was asking him what it looks like to take risks in life, and how to do that. He brought up a good point. He said that for me I need to look at the places in my life that make me uncomfortable and risk in those areas. He made me realize that the areas that I have been risking out here are the places that I am very comfortable with, such as the wilderness or the community of other men. But I'm finding that I need to risk much in the areas of relationships with people when it comes to engaging their hearts.
So last night was perfect, even if it did feel like a reality show, I got a glimpse of a strong woman's heart, and the weight of what has been lost over the years in dating and how men pursue and court a woman. As men we must step up and know what women need so that we will be able to offer it to them. This world is filled with passive men, and the sad thing is that women are settling for these sad excuses for a man....What if the bar was set higher and women expected more from men? Its a good question, and the beauty of it is that men and women both want their hearts to be desired and strongly pursued, they just don't know what this looks or even feels like. So the sad part is the settling, the accepting of less than is desired or even deserved.
The women who came Saturday night knew who they were and they were confident in themselves enough to know what they wanted and desired in a man. The question for us was..did we have what they desired and needed from us? This reinstates the point that if we truly knew ourselves and what we really need from the opposite gender then we would never settle. Because these women expected to be engaged heart to heart with a man, and if a man cannot offer this engagement to a woman then a woman who is in touch with her heart knows that she is wasting her time...the problem is that most men and women are not in touch with their own hearts enough to even desipher their need.
So the question I've been seeking is "What do I need from a woman?" and "How do I engage a woman's heart and her desire?" im sure ill be asking these questions for the rest of my life...
The greatest part of this weekend was that we entered into a new area of our journey... we are beginning to put what we have learned over the past 8 weeks into action and share our own stories and growth with others, and hopefully bless them through it.
Saturday night we were hanging out at the cabin and Cory and Xan got us together and let us in on what they had planned for the evening. I was convinced that what ever it was that was about to come out of their mouths, first of all, I could handle without a problem, and second of all, it would be something that I was use to or comfortable with.
But what they had planned was something completely different and like nothing that we've faced in the past months with wilderness or work...they had arranged for 4 women around our age to come over and we had to take them out on one on one "dates". We had 1 hour to clean the cabin, cars, and ourselves before they came to the house! We were freaking out!
I truly felt like I had landed on the set of a reality TV show like the "Real World" and "The Bachelor" To tell you the truth I really wish we did have cameras in the house when they told us that we had to take a out that we had never seen, I'm sure our faces were priceless, and to capture the conversations between all the guys in he cabin while we were getting ready would have been great...we were sweating, giving each other pep talks, asking a million questions, and the greatest part about before the s arrived was that Dan and Adam didn't even know that they were going to be one on one with their date, they thought it was going to be a big group date. After they found that bit of info out the panic grew to a new level!
The women came over and it really sank in that this was actually happening...i mean you've got to put yourself in our world that we have been living in for the last 2 months, we've barely even seen a this entire time, much less taken one out for dinner and engage, its been guy time all the time, I was rusty for sure.
The night was very enjoyable and it was a new challenge for me, and it seemed to take my risk seeking heart to a new place. These women were amazing and sharp, they knew themselves and what they needed in a man. It was so refreshing to be in a place not of romantic interest but in a place of true engagement of a woman and her heart.
We are all learning what it takes to become a man, and its not just about getting in the stream or backpacking through the wilderness, but I believe that where you find evidence of a real man is in his ability to pursue a woman and her heart. Seeking out who she is, and giving her what she needs. This is a mystery for me and I was stretched and challenged in an area that this summer I have not been faced with...until now.
In my one on one time with Cory yesterday afternoon I was asking him what it looks like to take risks in life, and how to do that. He brought up a good point. He said that for me I need to look at the places in my life that make me uncomfortable and risk in those areas. He made me realize that the areas that I have been risking out here are the places that I am very comfortable with, such as the wilderness or the community of other men. But I'm finding that I need to risk much in the areas of relationships with people when it comes to engaging their hearts.
So last night was perfect, even if it did feel like a reality show, I got a glimpse of a strong woman's heart, and the weight of what has been lost over the years in dating and how men pursue and court a woman. As men we must step up and know what women need so that we will be able to offer it to them. This world is filled with passive men, and the sad thing is that women are settling for these sad excuses for a man....What if the bar was set higher and women expected more from men? Its a good question, and the beauty of it is that men and women both want their hearts to be desired and strongly pursued, they just don't know what this looks or even feels like. So the sad part is the settling, the accepting of less than is desired or even deserved.
The women who came Saturday night knew who they were and they were confident in themselves enough to know what they wanted and desired in a man. The question for us was..did we have what they desired and needed from us? This reinstates the point that if we truly knew ourselves and what we really need from the opposite gender then we would never settle. Because these women expected to be engaged heart to heart with a man, and if a man cannot offer this engagement to a woman then a woman who is in touch with her heart knows that she is wasting her time...the problem is that most men and women are not in touch with their own hearts enough to even desipher their need.
So the question I've been seeking is "What do I need from a woman?" and "How do I engage a woman's heart and her desire?" im sure ill be asking these questions for the rest of my life...
The greatest part of this weekend was that we entered into a new area of our journey... we are beginning to put what we have learned over the past 8 weeks into action and share our own stories and growth with others, and hopefully bless them through it.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
My Perfect Day: Dream Lake
This past week we went on our fly fishing trip to Estes Park, Colorado…and on Saturday we went to a place up in the Rocky Mountain National Park called Dream Lake. And Saturday was not a dream, even though it felt like one. I told Cory and Xan at the end of the day: “That might have been the best day of my life!”
The 4 of us guys, Xan, Cory, and our guides Ron, Tim, and Andy headed out to Rocky Mountain National Park on Saturday morning (the last full day of our fly fishing trip) with our sights set on reaching a glacier lake at the elevation of over 10,000 ft. called: Dream Lake…We ran into a full parking lot at the trail head and we ended up turning around and loading onto a tour bus (with a crowd of tourist) at the bottom of the mountain in order to get to the trail head. (this is a story in itself that ill write about in a future blog).
Finally, reaching the trail head we strapped on all of our fly fishing gear including a float tube and flippers and we head up the trail towards Dream Lake. After a mile hike up the trail and through a little snow we cross a creek and I see the lake…it’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. The water was like glass and you could see straight to the bottom, two massive peaks rising into the sky behind the lake, pines all around it and boulders surrounding the banks. We were fishing for a rare trout called the “green back cut throat,” and we could see them swimming everywhere because the water was so clear. By this point my was pumping with excitement and anticipation, I was ready to catch some fish!
Ron said “Campbell, follow me! Let’s go to the other side and get out on the boulders in the middle of the lake!” So I followed him on a side trail through more snow and down to the opposite bank. We waded through the icy water out to a rock where I tied on an ant fly that I had tied the night before.
This is what made the day so special for me…the night before Ron and Tim showed Xan, Cory, and me how to tie flies. I asked him to show me how to tie a fly that would work well at Dream Lake and Tim showed me how to tie an ant.
So I’m out in the middle of this gorgeous heaven like lake and I’m sitting on a rock trying to decide what to tie on first, and I thought “when would be a better time to catch a trout on a fly that I tied myself?” so I chose my ant. After a few casts I landed my first trout of the day! It was a spiritual experience to be taught the art of fly fishing then the art of tying flies from older men who have gone before me. Their was more to it than just catching the fish. I had been shown the way and directed, and through humbly seeking the instruction from our guides I had accomplished something that not many men can say they have done. I had caught a green back cut throat trout at Dream Lake on a fly that I tied the night before, in the company of the men who had shown and taught me the way.
I stayed on that rock the rest of the day catching fish after fish, often I was mesmerized by the world around me, I would be distracted by the mountains and just stand there in awe of what I had entered into… I was standing in a post card! I would focus on fishing for a while then take a moment to soak it all in. The beauty around me was magnificent, and I felt close to God. His glory was all around me and as I continued to catch fish my heart began to feel a part of this beautiful picture. “I was made for this!”
I will never forget the end of the day though. The sun was getting low and about to go down behind the mountains and I had caught 9 fish and I wanted 10 sooo bad (I felt like I was 9 under going into 18 wanting just one more birdie!). The afternoon sun was shining on the lake and a fly hatch was starting to hover over the water. I had about 30 feet of line out and I was whipping it through the air trying to get my fly deep into the center of the lake where a school of fish was. I felt uplifted by Ron and Tim’s words of affirmation as they expressed their delight in my form. It was the point that I truly came into my form and felt confident with my casting…I felt a peace, and a sense of belonging among all that was wild surrounding me.
When I was out on that rock in the afternoon sun Ron yelled from another rock “You look like that guy from A River Runs Through It!” Ron was talking about Paul…I was shocked that he had said that. It was a reconfirmation from God that I am becoming the man that I am meant to be. The reason this was so significant to me was because while we were on our backpacking trip in Wyoming the first week of Training Ground Xan and Cory gave us all characters from movies that depicted our personalities and stories…They gave me Paul that week. Im seeing Paul come out in me more and more, to the point that Ron saw him in me.
On that perfect Saturday I came close to catching #10 but it wasn’t meant to be, and it left me wanting more. Not just more fish, but more peace among the wild, more exploration of the unknown, more men to show me the way, and more delight from the Father.
The 4 of us guys, Xan, Cory, and our guides Ron, Tim, and Andy headed out to Rocky Mountain National Park on Saturday morning (the last full day of our fly fishing trip) with our sights set on reaching a glacier lake at the elevation of over 10,000 ft. called: Dream Lake…We ran into a full parking lot at the trail head and we ended up turning around and loading onto a tour bus (with a crowd of tourist) at the bottom of the mountain in order to get to the trail head. (this is a story in itself that ill write about in a future blog).
Finally, reaching the trail head we strapped on all of our fly fishing gear including a float tube and flippers and we head up the trail towards Dream Lake. After a mile hike up the trail and through a little snow we cross a creek and I see the lake…it’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. The water was like glass and you could see straight to the bottom, two massive peaks rising into the sky behind the lake, pines all around it and boulders surrounding the banks. We were fishing for a rare trout called the “green back cut throat,” and we could see them swimming everywhere because the water was so clear. By this point my was pumping with excitement and anticipation, I was ready to catch some fish!
Ron said “Campbell, follow me! Let’s go to the other side and get out on the boulders in the middle of the lake!” So I followed him on a side trail through more snow and down to the opposite bank. We waded through the icy water out to a rock where I tied on an ant fly that I had tied the night before.
This is what made the day so special for me…the night before Ron and Tim showed Xan, Cory, and me how to tie flies. I asked him to show me how to tie a fly that would work well at Dream Lake and Tim showed me how to tie an ant.
So I’m out in the middle of this gorgeous heaven like lake and I’m sitting on a rock trying to decide what to tie on first, and I thought “when would be a better time to catch a trout on a fly that I tied myself?” so I chose my ant. After a few casts I landed my first trout of the day! It was a spiritual experience to be taught the art of fly fishing then the art of tying flies from older men who have gone before me. Their was more to it than just catching the fish. I had been shown the way and directed, and through humbly seeking the instruction from our guides I had accomplished something that not many men can say they have done. I had caught a green back cut throat trout at Dream Lake on a fly that I tied the night before, in the company of the men who had shown and taught me the way.
I stayed on that rock the rest of the day catching fish after fish, often I was mesmerized by the world around me, I would be distracted by the mountains and just stand there in awe of what I had entered into… I was standing in a post card! I would focus on fishing for a while then take a moment to soak it all in. The beauty around me was magnificent, and I felt close to God. His glory was all around me and as I continued to catch fish my heart began to feel a part of this beautiful picture. “I was made for this!”
I will never forget the end of the day though. The sun was getting low and about to go down behind the mountains and I had caught 9 fish and I wanted 10 sooo bad (I felt like I was 9 under going into 18 wanting just one more birdie!). The afternoon sun was shining on the lake and a fly hatch was starting to hover over the water. I had about 30 feet of line out and I was whipping it through the air trying to get my fly deep into the center of the lake where a school of fish was. I felt uplifted by Ron and Tim’s words of affirmation as they expressed their delight in my form. It was the point that I truly came into my form and felt confident with my casting…I felt a peace, and a sense of belonging among all that was wild surrounding me.
When I was out on that rock in the afternoon sun Ron yelled from another rock “You look like that guy from A River Runs Through It!” Ron was talking about Paul…I was shocked that he had said that. It was a reconfirmation from God that I am becoming the man that I am meant to be. The reason this was so significant to me was because while we were on our backpacking trip in Wyoming the first week of Training Ground Xan and Cory gave us all characters from movies that depicted our personalities and stories…They gave me Paul that week. Im seeing Paul come out in me more and more, to the point that Ron saw him in me.
On that perfect Saturday I came close to catching #10 but it wasn’t meant to be, and it left me wanting more. Not just more fish, but more peace among the wild, more exploration of the unknown, more men to show me the way, and more delight from the Father.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Afternoon Delight
Pleasure would not be the same without hardship. Good would not be noticeable without a contrast. Mountain biking and fly fishing would not be the same without work.
Work is the main substance of Training Ground, but the best part of work is getting off for the day with a few hours of sunlight left! I’ll leave the work site with trout on my mind, get my gear together at the cabin, hop on my bike with my fly rod on my back, and head up to the reservoir! It’s a 20 minuet bike ride up to the first reservoir in the mountains behind the cabin.
The hill going up to these reservoirs is long and steep, and we always have to end up walking our bikes up this steep trail, but last Tuesday I told myself I was going to get to the top of this trail without stopping to walk my bike. I set my mind to it and made it! This was physically and mentally one of the hardest things I’ve done since being in Colorado, but I made it and now I could enjoy the rewards of my pain………Trout!
Without the struggle, fly fishing would not be as sweet…I’m learning more and more that the beauty of life comes through anguish. The struggle is God’s way of refining us into who he has made us to be. Embracing the fight that comes with the pain, through the faith that God’s hand is guiding us, is how we grow as men.
The saddest picture is when men fear the agony so much that as soon as the trail begins to get steep and the pedals are hard to turn, they quit by accepting their failure by turning around and going back to the comfort of the cabin…these men will never learn what it takes to fight for their desires. They will never affirm that they have what it takes. These men don’t see the big picture of what God is doing in their lives and they miss the glory that He has in store for them at the top of the mountain, so they just accept defeat with a careless heart and never challenge themselves again because they don’t want to experience the anguish again.
This becomes a life wasted and a generation lost…
God has everything to offer if only we will follow…he will take us up some steep and slippery slopes, but what he offers at the top is a world and life of strength, mystery, and beauty.
Work is the main substance of Training Ground, but the best part of work is getting off for the day with a few hours of sunlight left! I’ll leave the work site with trout on my mind, get my gear together at the cabin, hop on my bike with my fly rod on my back, and head up to the reservoir! It’s a 20 minuet bike ride up to the first reservoir in the mountains behind the cabin.
The hill going up to these reservoirs is long and steep, and we always have to end up walking our bikes up this steep trail, but last Tuesday I told myself I was going to get to the top of this trail without stopping to walk my bike. I set my mind to it and made it! This was physically and mentally one of the hardest things I’ve done since being in Colorado, but I made it and now I could enjoy the rewards of my pain………Trout!
Without the struggle, fly fishing would not be as sweet…I’m learning more and more that the beauty of life comes through anguish. The struggle is God’s way of refining us into who he has made us to be. Embracing the fight that comes with the pain, through the faith that God’s hand is guiding us, is how we grow as men.
The saddest picture is when men fear the agony so much that as soon as the trail begins to get steep and the pedals are hard to turn, they quit by accepting their failure by turning around and going back to the comfort of the cabin…these men will never learn what it takes to fight for their desires. They will never affirm that they have what it takes. These men don’t see the big picture of what God is doing in their lives and they miss the glory that He has in store for them at the top of the mountain, so they just accept defeat with a careless heart and never challenge themselves again because they don’t want to experience the anguish again.
This becomes a life wasted and a generation lost…
God has everything to offer if only we will follow…he will take us up some steep and slippery slopes, but what he offers at the top is a world and life of strength, mystery, and beauty.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
11 Mile Canyon
Today I caught my first trout on a fly rod! I could not have chosen a better place or time to learn how to fly fish. We have 3 of the most knowledgable fly guides, and I'm learning details about the sport that some men dont learn in 40 years of fishing. These men are passing down skills and wisdom that they have learned over their lifetime to us, and we are being led into the world of flyfishing.The greatest part of learning from Ron, Tim, and Andy is the fact that we are being taught the correct and proper way to fly fish. This sport comes with so much common knowledge that without older and wiser men to teach us we would be lost....and without fish. But I love the idea that today I steped foot into a raging river with the fear of failure and no confidence in my form. Ron took me to his favorite hole "Old Faithful" and with patience he guided me on what to do in every situation. I had a few hits and one hook but I had not landed one....after a couple hours on the river I told Ron that I would give him a cigar if he would guide me to catch my first ever trout. So he accepted and led me to a hole where we hid behind a boulder and Ron pointed me towards where to cast my fly. In about 3 or 4 casts I caught a 10 inch rainbow trout!
Along with the skill of fly fishing I realized something today, I trusted Ron. I trusted in every word he said to me, knowing that it came from the wisdom and knowledge of years of experience. I never second guessed him or even doubted. Even in my failure I knew that if I was patient and continued to follow Ron's teaching, then I would develop the correct form and eventually succeed.I was initiated into flyfishing today by Ron the same way that God initiates me throughout life, but the difference is that I dont usually trust God. I tend to do things my own way, no matter what God is trying to teach me. God will point me in a certian direction and I baisically cast my fly in the opposite direction, on the rocks or in the thorn bushes, but I dont care because I did it my way. I dont need direction, I can handle this life on my own, I'll succeed in my own way...
Soon enough I've broken my line, lost all my flies, and more importantly I haven't caught any fish.
Through the context of fly fishing and faith in Ron's teaching I caught my first trout. Now if I could only trust God with the same faith.
Soon enough I've broken my line, lost all my flies, and more importantly I haven't caught any fish.
Through the context of fly fishing and faith in Ron's teaching I caught my first trout. Now if I could only trust God with the same faith.Friday, June 1, 2007
My Desire
Adventure has always been something that I've loved, and I cant seem to get enough. When I was growing up I satisfied this desire for exploration and adventure through fishing and camping on the golf course where my dad worked. (this doesnt sound to adventurous but the course was out in the country west of Nashville, it had lakes, streams, and rolling hills that we would explore when we wern't playing golf). Anyway, my brother Clark and I made it feel as far away from society as possible by packing all our gear in backpacks and hiking down the streams in the summer and setting up camp on a rock island or a river bank. At least it felt like the real thing.
This was fun for a while, but I wanted the real thing! I have always desired adventure, and this side of me was to some sort suppressed by growing up on the golf course. To a certian extent this desire is why I love golf so much, because it is played outside in nature. I loved that aspect of it, but it was to safe for me I needed something dangerous. I had no place to take these desires, and no one to take me out in the wild and teach me how to meet these needs.
This was partly due to my determination as a golfer, and the fact that I was so focused on my goal of college golf that I ignored my longing for the outdoors.
As I said I grew up on a golf course, but this wasnt just any golf course it was a private, high class, members only course, and I got to play for free everyday! So I took advantage of my opportunity as a golfer, and ended up practically living out there! My point is that I was constantly around older wealthy high class men. Some were great men and I learned alot from them, if anything I learned how to approach these men without hesitation and have conversations with them...I look back and see this as a blessing, it was a privelage to be in their company.
The main reason I say this is to paint a picture of a boy who grew up in a mans world, It was a blessing. At the same time it was a proper society of men and women who lived in a comfortable world, and it was secure and predictable. I was a boy who wanted adventure and wilderness, I didnt want to be tamed by the society that I was brought up in. I needed adventure, risk, and danger.
I didnt realize this until our backpacking trip 2 weeks ago. I mean I always knew I had it in me, but God spoke to me out in the wilderness of Wyoming, standing on the top of a 13,000 ft. summit I said to myself "I was made for this!" The desire i've always felt as I grew up was met during that week in the mountains.Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Crossing Kansas
A little over a week ago I drove from my hometown of Nashville, Tennessee across the midwest through Kansas and into the beautiful state of Colorado. My new home was unknown, my soon to be friends were unknown, and every thing that was known in my life I was leaving behind.
Crossing Kansas took what seemed to be a lifetime...it was the most alone I'd ever felt in my life. Driving through grassy fields of nothing but the occasional cow or barn, made me ask the question: "who the heck would live out here?!?" It was a truly an empty and desolate land. This gave me time to think and ask more questions. "Why was I leaving everything that was good and comfortable for something that was so unfamiliar and distant?" Soon my heart was the same as the lie of the land around me...flat and empty.
I was alone in this, "What have I gotten myself into!" It would be so much easier to just stay at home with my family and friends and be comfortable...but I knew that God had a reason for bringing me into this. The fear was lessened when I met the 3 guys that I've been living with for the last week, and Xan and Cory. It has been an eye opening experience so far, from summiting a 13,000ft. mountain in Wyoming on a 6 day journey in the wilderness..to my first day of work as a painter tomorrow..to learning more about Josh, Adam, and Daniel..to eating steaks and smoking cigars with John Eldredge last night! It has been a blessing from God for me to be out here.
But I have to go back to the fear..Crossing Kansas spoke to who I am and soon to be who I was. The fear came from stepping into something with total trust in the Lord and his plan for me. I have come to realize that my loneliness came from never before steping away from the comfort of my life, and truely being on my own. I've learned what it means and feels like to trust in God even if it scares the hell out of me.
Now that I am out of Kansas and in Colorado the geography of my heart is beginning to match the geography of the land. Trusting in God and what he is doing in my soul through this experience is changing the way I see life and God. I am learning just how intentional God is with everything under the sun.
Crossing Kansas took what seemed to be a lifetime...it was the most alone I'd ever felt in my life. Driving through grassy fields of nothing but the occasional cow or barn, made me ask the question: "who the heck would live out here?!?" It was a truly an empty and desolate land. This gave me time to think and ask more questions. "Why was I leaving everything that was good and comfortable for something that was so unfamiliar and distant?" Soon my heart was the same as the lie of the land around me...flat and empty.
I was alone in this, "What have I gotten myself into!" It would be so much easier to just stay at home with my family and friends and be comfortable...but I knew that God had a reason for bringing me into this. The fear was lessened when I met the 3 guys that I've been living with for the last week, and Xan and Cory. It has been an eye opening experience so far, from summiting a 13,000ft. mountain in Wyoming on a 6 day journey in the wilderness..to my first day of work as a painter tomorrow..to learning more about Josh, Adam, and Daniel..to eating steaks and smoking cigars with John Eldredge last night! It has been a blessing from God for me to be out here.
But I have to go back to the fear..Crossing Kansas spoke to who I am and soon to be who I was. The fear came from stepping into something with total trust in the Lord and his plan for me. I have come to realize that my loneliness came from never before steping away from the comfort of my life, and truely being on my own. I've learned what it means and feels like to trust in God even if it scares the hell out of me.
Now that I am out of Kansas and in Colorado the geography of my heart is beginning to match the geography of the land. Trusting in God and what he is doing in my soul through this experience is changing the way I see life and God. I am learning just how intentional God is with everything under the sun.
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